Being actually fucking present!

And yet that isn't “true” at all – we humans have apparently risen above being trapped in our own brain cocoons – our only choice isn't negative  We have others.  We can “set it aside” in some way and move on.  “It is what it is, and it's not me.” 

I suspect that perhaps the whole spiritual seeking thing is to be operating on the stepping out of the trap instead of cutting a piece of our own heart. 

It's like, there is an art to stepping out.  If we are really escaping something unpleasant then we unknowingly freeze our heart.  But if we take what responsibilty that we can, say, offer the monkey whatever we can, and flow some love at least, then we are being as authenticate as we can, at least being present – as beings who are less-than-God but DO have some spiritual authority in our lives.

Perhaps there is something in being grateful to be a human and have the *ability* to step out of our own monkey minds.  And if we don't, we've wasted a resource. 

I remember a scene from a movie where afterwards the hero is in excrutiating pain realizing he had the money to save even more of the people.  He holds up an object, it's worth so much money, “this could have saved five more jews.” 

So how will I feel at the end, perhaps on my deathbed.  Will I regret being a monkey so much of my life?

Thanks, Mary, that feels good. 
I'm not quite decided to really *do* blogging, as I'm at what feels like a very tight turn in life.  And I can't tell if I'm crushed and need to humbly start over – or that I've actually done it, come through a very growing dark night of the soul and out the other side.  It even feels possible that I have much more to offer than I ever did before. 

Mary>Absolutely.  Sometimes wer are stripped right down to
>our breathing and the beating of our hearts.  To traverse this
>darkness, what we can do we must do.  The dancer must
>dance, the lover must love, the writer must write.

Yes!  And … for me it's yes, doing all that, I've been getting up and out and yet good stuff isn't developing yet.  I feel I need someone, not my ex- anymore, but someone with me, who really likes me for me.  I know – such a boy!  *grin*  But it's true, I want to be wide-open so the real me is right there. 
AND – stripped down to my breathing, just before I drop in emotional escape, I have a moment to write, dance, love.  Yet for me it's stop and see where I can go, do I finish my first half-book?  New one?  Do I ignore the book since it won't help me save from losing the house I love? 
Heheheh maybe I'll fall in love with someone who can remortgage the house while we dance!
Ah, I love writing free.  Yet I know I have to pull myself together, work out where the money is that wants to trot over here and pay the mortgage for the months it takes to do the book, present myself to the world to see if people still want to sponsor retreat/event dates in their area.  
I feel like, yes, I've brought SO much of myself right into my view, ok that's clear, but not integrate personally to the point where my attention is on what needs to be done to have a life.
I used to just trust, and it came.
Now, I trust, and this new thing shows up, that yes, it turns out, that indeed crises over mortgages at the end of a dark night do indeed happen.  Yikes!

Silly little hominid thanks you for this reminder that yes, that's what I am.

Mary, you feel like a wonderful human being – loving smart and real – and I'm amazed at my having isolated from so many wonderful loving beings to act through my old neurotic patterns.  I ask, “Did I *need* to do that?”  hehehehh
Welp, I'd decided to restart the motors, so here I come!

Thanks again,
Love,
Michael