On being sammasambuddha

Despite the implications of the wonderful soundbite, "if you meet a buddha on the road, kill him," I must say I am a pratyeka-buddha, who would much prefer to be a samyaksam-buddha (or sometimes referred to as bodhisattva which originally meant a junior buddha but now has taken on the meaning of being someone who returns into everyday life to deliver everyday beings.)  Both sammasambuddha and paccekabuddha represent persons who gain "knowing"  by their own efforts, and discover the Dharma without having a teacher to point it out.  Because I am self-delivered, I don't have the correct vocabulary, or codified religious background to be able to go to an ashram or monastary to teach traditional anything.  I sit.  "Stone buddha."  I can say all this here, without making claim, because it doesn't matter, a simple webpage of text, AND my truth is that I've reached the prerequisit necessary, that is to "Be absolutely willing to die."  Is it so impossible that someone who is fully awake still can say something about himself from the viewpoint of being oh so human?  I am that living "contradiction" where in the past Buddha shared with thundering silence -- but he never had the internet!  Nor are we privy to what he shared with non-adolizing peers.  This is my humanity sharing, a person just like you, and because this is a blog I answer to no-one.  If you question me, then can you see I can answer from no-thing-ness or even from Michael-ness.  Especially if you define you question, for instance, "In my seeking. . . " is much different than, "In your personal life . . . "  So you see, I can say I am experincing, it looks to me like, samyaksam-buddha and ask that you see my experience as a human, and not go either-or about whether I am some goddam kind of god.  To be sure, this is an experiment.  I don't think I'm asking a lot -- wouldn't you like your state to be acknowledged? especially if your life depended on it?   I suppose my only real sad-ity is that without the social interactions I have very little opportunity to live my 'hilaritose' which is the "real" joy of living with others.  I have no way of knowing if I am at a stage which will very shortly end with the death of another stone buddha, or somehow people will show up into my life and I'll be able to share.  A miracle.  So much has come.  So much has filled the empty crystal clear presence, no light, no dark, no nothing, no anything, yet clear -- all clear empty space.  When I died, just before I came back into my body, it was exactly the same empty clear space *with* things "in" it.  (Something like realizing and seeing you are in an "empty" room with objects other than yourself in it.)  I said at the top that I must say these things because this is the "About Me:" section!  Wonderful!  Whatever I write is immediately not true, just by the writing of it -- and yet, won't someone reading this get this?  I don't know!  Ah!  Right, no-one but another awake-ish person will get this.  Futile if I expect this to create an invitation, this just isn't done!  *smile*  
OK here following is what I wrote yesterday in an attempt to describe that which is Michael Walsh.  Obviously an absolute failure yet really quite accurate.  Here Now I stop.  

    Apparently, the word that fits me now is "hermit."  I have been living penniless in a tiny cabin in Northern California, studying my own consciousness and the underlying subconsciousness, which is also experienced as Me when I associate with others -- you know, that bit about unconsciousness, stuck-in-the-head neuroses to please others or fear-based or, basically, full of it. 

    What many attain to, what is written in books, the whole historical tradition of seeking enlightenment, or simply being myself, is what I've reduced myself to living these last months. 

    I've been, so I am told, Awake for a long time.  As far back as my memory serves up to me, I see traits of being awake.  There is a sanskrit word which I don't remember for peope like me, spontaneous awakeners.  Next are two other words (I should look them up!) for those who teach and those who don't teach.  I wish I knew what the non-teaching ones did so I could try that instead of just sitting.  I am an in-between guy who doesn't teach from any religious tradition, and so I don't "fit in" to any system where I can take shelter and receive the support and encouragement that would make my life easy. 
    For instance, I have no interest in Buddhist "merit" or any of those beliefs.  Instead, I teach a larger truth that such beliefs are for the masses being patronized by the religion.  Nothing wrong with that, but for nuns and monks (which you are even if you don't realized that we are that Western version of the word) to get caught up in the beliefs is a preventative -- because awake living is within your grasp.  It's something of a pity, that crap catachisms are mistakenly given to seekers, here now, in the West.  Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who sees this, and will sink down into the grasses and be lost. 
     When I studied with a (real) Swami from India during his retreat in America, he told me I was "standing on the head of the Vedas."  You can see a picture of this in some pictures of Krishna.  There's a guy's head under his feet -- that's the Vedas.  It's when you're beyond the teachings, beyond the beliefs, you are what the beleifs and teachings represent.   And sorrily, most everybody who comes to Gaia and reads this is so close!  But . .  listening to all the crap, too, and therefor reasonably stopped in their tracks, so far from getting to where they seek!
     I don't know how to help you except to write this here.  You'll have to find my yourself.  I do what I can.  But it's never enough, you, like I did, have to show up for your own life.   Perhaps then I'll meet you out on some field, in some room, where beings truly meet as we really are, inside and out, in a love in hearts absolutely real.  

From Sri Ramakrishna's Life:

Sri Ramakrishna was now burning with a tremendous desire to meet his companions -- the favoured children of the Divine -- to whom he might pass his realizations for the good of humanity and world.  About this he would say later: "There was no limit to the yearning I had then.  During the day-time I managed somehow to control it.  The secular talk of the worldly-minded was galling to me, and I would look forward wistfully to the day when my beloved companions would come.  I hoped to find solace in conversing with them and unburdening my mind by telling them of my realizations.  Every little incident would remind me of them, and thoughts of them wholly engrossed my mind.  When during the evening service and the temple rang with the sound of bells and conch-shells, I would climb to the roof of the building in garden, and writhing in anguish of heart, cry at the top of my voice, 'Come, my boys! O! where are you?  I cannot bear to live without you!'  A mother never longs so intensely for the sight of her child, nor a friend for his companion, nor a lover for his sweetheart, as I did for them!  Oh!  it was indescribable.  Shortly after this yearning they began to come in." 

     Sometimes it feels like nothing will come of my own yearnings, I don't want much and I don't do much.  If I knew what to do I would do it.  I have no building in the garden to cry from, except, as you now know,  Gaia.  So I am here, I write this, like a net into a lake, to see what might come next, I am here, oh dear world, and I hope that's enough, as living in the empty and the void is never the same the meetings of living beings.   Oh my loves, hear my empty cries in the air, if only as a lullaby from a far-off hill.
     Goodnight.  Good Morning.   Good good good, Day.  I love you.  I'm going to see if there is any tea left.