Walking -- Henry David Thoreau as a blog title

   "Separate each tag with a comma: love, life, living large"

is displayed at the bottom of the blog entry page.  Each time I see it I want to write a blog RE: "living large." 

This reminds me of a friend who said I have "big energy."   It's the kind that works wonders when I'm leading something, when I feel juicy, and also the same feel when running sessions.  That is, leading satsang.  Sharing with others deeply.  Though I should add that the energy if more like "full" like a wonderful all-encompassing wave of love, that version of "living large."  I think it is "Big Energy" form when I post in disucssion areas views which are contrary or even startling.  .. . .  ..

Wait!  I just got something.  The fact is that I hold back my energy a lot and I'm sure some of the time, that it is exactly the holding-back which others can feel and so when I'm even partly disturbing, my unstated holding back is added upon and I (whatever I wrote) becomes alarming to people.  I see this.  I can see that happening.  I'm bringing it about by my holding back, and how can others who only "feel" this know that I'm not being secretive or ironic or something?  That can't of course.  They can only know the words I offer, what I actually type.

There is one identity which I'd be really good at, but would never ever fully take on, and that is being like Jesus rampaging amongst the money-changers at the temple.  It's not self-righteousness, it is merely heart-felt expression that shouts down the selfish, the greedy, the arrogant. It is not judging others, with something like, "You are a fool!"  But is more like, "Do not lie to me!"   Or gently, though just as powerful, "can't you see how close you are if you only gave yourself the chance?"

Instead of living that large, my wittle ego likes to think of myself as having Buddhic thundering silence.

But thundering silence conveys nothing to people, like you, who cannot see me.  So there's my challenge, huh?  How to live large without misplaced Big Energy.  I hasten to highlight "misplaced" here because indeed there are times for it, like cheering at a Patriots football game, although people who live in cities who have other teams, well, there is enough pity for them already, so I will not heap upon it here. 

So.  I've been saying for a while now (as if someone in the universe is actually paying attention to me(!)) that what I'd really like to be doing is satsang events/sessions, and the reason is I love the flow, the energy, the waves of loving energy that we exchange when barriers fall away.  Such sweet gosh heart-filled energy.  There are no words.  

That is the one "living large" and all the energy flow it entails, which I am most comfortable with.  In satsang, which I will likely never ever do again.

But like I said above, that's much like "living large."  

Let me look at these.

Living Large.

Big Energy.

and that amazing world-filling flow of love that happens in satsang. 

Well, that last one I can see where it fits, as I've said, but the first two, hummm... I wonder what I can do to integrate them deliberately into my life.  It sure would be nice or, fun, to have a worldly identity again.  Often I feel positively trapped in my body when I go up into my head thinking I'm doing something wrong.  But really, hermitting is not something I was designed for - - human beings are social critters and it's past time for me to re-engage in, hah, I cannot even say "society", I need to say something like, "re-engage socially" which doesn't commit me to society at large. 

I notice: my big energy scares me.  I don't have the skills to back it up.  When someone really stands up, some joker must jump up and start head-banging.  Usually someone like me, I add ruefully.  I don't want to be playing that game.  I do have the skills to head-bang back, what I meant about lack of skills was staying humble in the face of arrogance while I too am speaking up, being clear, living (only as) large as I actually am. 

But even that is not true.  I've seen myself do it.  I've helped people being attacked, for instance.  No, there is something here I'm not seeing in myself.  It is something like not believing in myself enough. . . . or . . .  a light is starting to gleam . . . it is not having my own and other support.  It is . . . it is not being willing to live large "from outside", that is, I must really truly be engaged before I feel comfortable accepting the support of others in "large" endevours that involve others.  And it's right here that I hit the wall.  Because I'm awake, I'm smart, and I only lead when I'm the only one who can.  And socially people bridle at someone who thinks he's smarter, or more enlightened, any of that, whether or not that's what I think of myself.  When I live large, I open myself to that stuff, and I feel sad, dragged down into the attacker's own suffering and I can't live large then, on his level, which is butting heads.  This is it, right here.  This is my issue.  I'm sitting right in it.  And I do not know where to turn.